My Mental Health Story Part 12 - We Can All Self Help, Trust Me!

It’s late on Monday as I write this, and I won’t get it finished until Tuesday. I had planned to write this today, but my feelings this morning meant it wasn’t happening. My old friend anxiety had popped up to say hello, not a lot, maybe about 3-4 on my 0-10 scale, but it was there, and I don’t like it.

I have written quite a lot about my experiences and the problems I have had with anxiety, and I still have them, and that is 13 years, 7 months and about 2 weeks after my accident that caused my problems.

I will repeat a couple of things, like my memory, something that frustrates me to this day. I was 49 when I had my accident, give or take a few weeks, when I fell off my bike, and for the next 4 weeks and 5 days, I remember 3 things. I know I told someone the make and model of my camera as I was lying on the ground, to prove it was mine, as it had fallen out of my pocket when I came off my bike.

I vaguely remember my daughter coming to visit me in hospital during the first week after the fall, and I wondered why she had come from Scotland to see me, strange as she has lived all her life in Shropshire, but there is the Scottish connection!

I also vaguely remember sitting in my boss's office trying to persuade him to let me come back to work earlier than my sick note said I could, which he didn’t, but something I always believed I eventually did too soon anyway. My next clear memory, those 4 weeks and 5 days later, was sitting at Glasgow Airport waiting for a flight to Iceland for my 50th birthday, most of which I have already covered, so apologies for that, but there’s a reason for it!

My memory was quite good before the accident; I only know because it was initially a topic of conversation after the accident, certainly not because I remember it, so why is this relevant?

We popped up to our local last night, and whilst we were there, a guy came in and stood at the bar having a beer. I had to ask my wife where we knew him from, and she somewhat frustratingly told me it was the shop owner from our local off-licence, which we have used a few times in the past, and my shoulders just sank. How could I possibly not know where I knew him from? But for me this is a common occurrence, and one I don’t like.

I tell myself that I have learned to live with my poor memory, but if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think I have. It isn’t just with people, and I use my phone calendar and reminders to make sure I have options to remind myself what I have planned or what needs to be done!

I have tried word association, and it never seems to work, with the exception of a local landlord; I was always getting his name mixed up between Aled and Alwyn. It was he who said, 'it's easy; just remember Ale (as a landlord) and Aled,’ and I have never forgotten his name since he told me - if only everyone else was that easy.

But I woke this morning, and not knowing the guy in the pub was really annoying me, and I believe it's because it has happened so often and because it frustrates me. And added to that, I had another strange dream, which I also believe can kick-start mental health issues, so it made my start to the day not good.

My wife researched the problem when I told her what was wrong, and she told me it is very common as we get older, and there is a condition called ‘prosopagnosia’ or ‘face blindness,’ which means we have difficulty recognising faces. Though your overall vision and memory work fine. Some are born with it, while others get it later in life from a brain injury or maybe a stroke.

Some like me get it later on in life, from a brain injury, because that is what happened when I fell off the bike over 13.5 years ago, and that is how it affects me to this day.

Sure, there are other things going on in my life that won’t exactly help, but this incident and my dreams were the reason why I started the day not feeling great.

Back to names and people, I have started playing both walking and normal tennis, which means meeting quite a few new people, and some 4/5 months after starting to play, I am asking people their names nearly every week. Some know why, but I tell others I just have a really bad memory when it comes to names; normally their response is ‘so have I.’ Though it does get a little frustrating when people whose names I have forgotten greet me with my name, and they can be at least 15 years older than me. And there is another reason I felt worse this morning; it got me thinking if things will get even worse as I get older, which of course we all expect!

Some may wonder why I write about this; well, it's simply to let people know how things are and how a silly accident, falling off a bike and a bang on the head, can make you feel after all this time, something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy!

But it’s also so that people living closely with someone in a similar situation can understand how their beloved can be affected after many years. Remember the older generation's sayings? ‘Sort yourself out' or ‘pull yourself together’ and the like – well, that just doesn’t work, and it’s not what sufferers want to hear either.

Admittedly, it is difficult for people who have never suffered to understand how someone’s mind can work and how it can also change and change them as a person, just like mine did. I had never really come across anxiety or mental health, but then it wasn’t discussed or highlighted as much either, even as recently as 13 years ago!

So, understanding, changing, and learning so you can support those close to you, people who may be having similar issues, is something I feel is quite important! I am fortunate; my wife does understand, and as soon as I told her this morning, she was online doing a little research based on what I had told her.

It came to light that some well-known people suffer from the same problem; it’s called ‘prosopagnosia'. Some that may surprise you, like Stephen Fry, Anne Hegerty from The Chase, Brad Pitt, and Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Inc., have spoken about having developmental face blindness. (Search courtesy of Google.)

There are some pretty clever people there, and somehow it made me feel slightly better, as did the day. We brought the motorhome round to start getting it ready for our next trip on Wednesday, with other distractions and things going on to keep me busy.

And keeping busy I am; it’s now 24 hours later, Tuesday night, and we have just popped up to our favourite local to say cheerio to one of their longer-serving staff who leaves on Friday. A week's holiday, and then the new job in the care sector, and I say ‘fair play’ to a young 20-year-old going into a sector that I simply couldn’t work in; even if I did in an H&S capacity, that was as much as I could do!

But my day started at 9.00, when 2 friends and I went on a hill cycling route to get me ready for my ‘Tour ‘O’ The Borders’ event on the 6th of September. As you can see, we got to 40 miles, and my friend recorded our ascent at over 2,700 feet, and at 63, 63, and 71 years old, that’s not too bad for 3 old stagers, even though I say so myself.

I wasn’t in the mood; if my friends had called off at 8:45, I would quite happily have stayed at home. I still wasn’t feeling well and didn’t have much enthusiasm or incentive, but I made myself go, and I am glad I did.

Even after 15 miles or so, I could happily have turned round and come home, but of course once you’re out with your mates, you need to keep going, refusing to be the one to wimp out!

It was great; the scenery was lovely, and some side roads were very quiet, enabling us to ride 3 abreast and quickly moving over if a vehicle approached in either direction – pointless arguing with cars and larger vehicles; they will always win!

Stopping at the Tile Press Café in Jackfield, a lovely place, and after nice cake and coffee with good, friendly service, we made our way home, cycling up the horrible, windy Sutton Bank hill from Coalport, and if you’ve ever driven it, let alone cycled it, you will know what I mean!

My cycle today. My baby and my old B&W baby on our coast-to-coast trip last year along the Hadrian's Wall route. And when needs must!

But the main thing is the difference I felt when I got home; to me it was a great few hours, physical exercise to make your mind think of sore legs and bums rather than anxiety and mental health issues, and that is something I will strongly promote. If you have mental health issues, then please exercise, even walking. Trust me, it can make you feel so much better.

We are off to Wales tomorrow, and after I had washed the bike off, it was time to get things ready to go. I packed cases, ensured the motorhome was equipped, and did general ‘pottering’ to get things done, and my mindset was changed, and I was in a good place, a much better place than I was 24 hours earlier - even 8 hours earlier.

I keep saying how lucky I am, and I know I am. Whilst my life can be happy and good, I can be knocked off the rails, but 24 hours after I have derailed, I am back on and all is good, and not everyone can do that, and as today shows, I know I have to think myself lucky, as others with mental health issues are much more severe than mine, but if we have things that can help change our direction, we need to make sure we go that way.

You may not be very active physically at the minute; small steps help you succeed. Like my tennis, start with walking tennis; there’s walking football and many more. It doesn’t have to be a 40-mile cycle. I do that because I am fortunate enough to be able to do it and I enjoy it, and I know the results it brings me!

But if you don’t run or jog, start walking and then walk faster, then walk 100m and jog 100m. You don’t have to start like a British athlete running in the Commonwealth Games; just take it easy. It also helps if you struggle to meet people; just do your own thing. Walk, jog (or both,) cycle, take up fishing, go swimming or take up a hobby like photography or drawing and painting, things whereby meeting people isn’t necessary!

If you’re the opposite and don’t like being on your own, there are so many physical exercise groups you can join; look at volunteer groups, such as helping in the community. There are many options depending on your own preferences and condition. But please don’t sit at home letting your condition get the better of you. There are many people out there to help you, but we all need to start with ourselves and look for that help and what makes us feel better.

I am one of the fortunate ones, and I will always know how lucky I am; the downside is when I am in a mood like yesterday, I sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees, and it is only when I am back on the rails again that I can see I am actually okay. That is done with the help of family and friends – but only I can get on my bike!

Thanks for reading

DJ