My Mental Health Story Part 10 - My Home. Bricks Or Wheels?

When it comes to mental health, I can only tell you how things were for me - obviously. It wasn’t a good time after the accident, as it brought massive changes to my life, and in some respects, it still isn’t great, though I count my blessings that the times nowadays when it pops up to say ‘hello’ are rare and not too drastic, nothing I can’t deal with.

But as much as I can deal with the situation these days, I’d still rather not have to deal with it at all, but I consider myself lucky, as many days are normal, or as normal as I remember them before the accident.

Life can be so simple!

I had to give up a good job as a business manager when things got too much, and I went back to my roots of driving locally. Sure, I eventually returned to management, but it took time and it took my life down a different route. Had I not had the accident, that route would never have opened up to me, or it would have been very unlikely anyway. And so, things change, but look where I am now. Had the accident not happened, would I be retired? Would I be in France, on week 5 into our touring holiday, sitting and typing this on the banks of Lake Annecy? And would I be heading to Chamonix and Mont Blanc tomorrow? God, how lucky am I? Who knows, but it shows life is full of ‘if’s’ and ‘buts.’

I have always been a ‘glass half empty’ person, and I suppose I still am, but recently with the help of my co-pilot, I have changed slightly, though I wonder how much that has to do with my age and having a good life to go with it. Who knows? All I can say is be thankful; if you have a lot of good things going for you, you are lucky, as I am.

Annecy - and lovely too!

Mental health, however, can make you look on life differently. At my worst, I still had a good life, a nice house, good friends, and good times, but I couldn’t see that; all I could see was what a horrible situation my mind was in and how frantic it made me feel at times. When people around you are trying to tell you everything is okay, you just know it isn’t, especially if your experiences were like mine – a good, normal life turned upside down by a freak accident. It’s been a journey, but one where there was light was at the end of the tunnel, and I came out the other side!

I realise how lucky I have been, and my reason for writing this is to do with my troubles being away from home. I have already touched on the subject of being at home, and this being my motorhome, it’s just a home on wheels, and it’s true, and yes, there is a meaning behind all of this.

My sanctuary during the worst times was my house, my safe place, and I hated being away from it. Holidays were spoiled; special holidays were cancelled, as I couldn’t face the thought of going away. So why is it I am sitting here in France over four weeks into a holiday away from home and I am fine? I don’t need to go back to my house, as it’s simple, really. I am in my home, my motorhome.

My garden view

That might sound strange, but it’s not in my world, because it is mine, my home on wheels, my safe place, or is it my second safe place? I’m not so sure there’s an order; it’s just about being where you feel safe and secure. And for me, whether it be bricks and mortar or wheels, they are my safe havens – you can’t get to me, and I can lock the door and feel safe!

Now, everyone is different, and that safe place will be different for everyone. Some may not like being at home, as they are on their own there, and that is where they could feel at their worst. As an example, they may love being at work, surrounded by people, engaging, keeping busy, and having that ‘work banter’ most of us love. We might like the gym, the shopping centre or the train and tram, where we are surrounded by people, chatting and involving others; it may be that lonely place called home that isn’t so good and the opposite to me – the place I loved to be, on my own!

We are all different, and we all act differently. So, if you love being at work but your home life is lonely, make sure you have pastimes at home that help keep you and your mind occupied. Don’t go from a busy daily life to peace and quiet if that doesn’t suit you, but then there is the vice versa too. You may have a boring job, where you struggle during the day, but thrive in an evening and nighttime lifestyle and environment.

For me it is all about the life balance, and yes, we do need to make changes if that is how your life is. It wasn’t for me when I was being told all this on ‘that course,' but then I was there at the wrong time. I can understand the principles of the course; they just didn’t meet my requirements at the time. Would they today? I have no idea, but what I do know is that you do have to evaluate your life and try to adapt to what suits you! The problem you may have is not knowing what you want, and that is why other people are out there to help you in some respects, like that course, but again, the wrong time and the wrong place for me!

The thing is it is so easy to see all these things after the event. If anyone is reading this in the middle of their mental health problems or crisis, much of it won’t make sense because an awful lot of it doesn’t whilst your mind is worried about what is actually going on, if, like me, you just won’t take it on board!

One thing you might not want to do is actually listen to people who are trying to help you, and here’s why, or should I say, my example.

I was always very much an independent person; I never needed anyone to help me sort my life or my problems out. I was a decision maker at work and with my life; why did I need anyone to tell me what to do or when? Life was simple; I lived by my rules and lived my way. Sure, I would consider others and their opinions, but decisions were mine – all mine.

So why was it all of a sudden I needed others to help me? I needed guidance and intervention from others; something had changed my life, and there I was on a residential course listening to people telling me what I should do to change a life that had been just fine until I fell off a bike!

This time with a rainbow - there’s always an end!

A lot of it will not make sense, and that was my problem; it just didn’t. That controlled, organised life thrown into a state of confusion for no reason other than going out with my mates on a Sunday morning for a bit of fun, a cycle, and a laugh!

That is probably the worst part, that change and not being able to understand why! Others will suffer with anxiety and other mental health issues in different ways, but for someone at my age (35 days before my 50th birthday) to have your world changed the way mine was just made no sense to me and hasn’t to this day, some 13 years later, and that’s how things can be!

I have always said that helping one person will be an achievement for me, and if by reading this it has helped you or someone you know who has problems, then I have achieved that goal!

Thanks for reading

DJ